This is a very roughly-written blog on a hostel computer keyboard with many odd keys and not all of the familiar ones, so forgive the apparent lack of editing. Plus, life is in the fast lane for me now and I soon have to board the Santiago, Chile subway system to get to the office of www.pachymamabybus.com to buy my ticket to Patagonia. I leave tomorrow.
As luck would have it, I´m racing two world-class bikers to see who can get to the bottom of the world…mas o menas…. the fastest. We´re all hostel dorm mates in an eight-bed dorm room and they took off an hour ago. Since I was already planning to bus to Puerto Montt, I proposed a race by slapping my tour bus brochure on the table and saying¨You guys are toast!¨ and the bet was on! Loser buys drinks in Puerto Montt! Thus began the silliest race definitions you´ll ever find on the planet and they are spelled out here. Last night, we who are older than all the twenty-somethings here, reclined on bean bags in the upper patio lobby, killing two bottles of red wine and laying down these principles. We had almost finished when we were joined by a famous movie director-producer-actor staying incognito at the hostel, no doubt curious about our good looks and witty brilliance.
And that´s all the info you´re ever going to get out of me on that score. Which about?…our looks or the movie mogul?
Suffice it to say I went to bed at two-twenty a.m. and got up at six for the start of the Great Human Race and I´m very sleepy now but must plow on to arrange my own take-off in this ridiculous, raucous challenge to the bottom of the earth. Here are the sketchy beginnings of our Plan.
THE GREAT CREATIVE RACE……..THE HUMAN RACE……SUD AMERICANA SECTOR…SANTIAGO TO PATAGONIA
THE TRIFECTA …….THE RAGING RELICS
CANADA – Hunky Dory, Flyin´Bryan
NORTH AMERICA – Leaping Linda …the guys are supposed to give me a better name
TEAM SYMBOLS –
CANADA – The Maple Leaf – Team Maple
NORTH AMERICA –The Sycamore Leaf – Team Sycamore
To quote -¨Because my neighbor´s sycamores drop dinner-plate-sized leaves on my lawn. Well, I didn´t want to say that the Eagle was my symbol because thats an unfair advantage over a leaf, which can´t fly on its own…so we´re both leaves.¨
DESTINATION – TBA
LENGTH OF RACE – TBA
STAKES, STEAKS – Loser buys in Puerto Montt.
IN CASE OF A TIE – Hunky recommends to ¨take it off!¨ but the sobering rule will be-
Guys buy drink)s) for the gal and gal buys drink for the guys. Leaping states that she will buy one-half a drink for each guy, in case of a tie.
Team Maple has entered a complaint….so has Team Sycamore. All team members do agree that individual team members buy the drinks for all the guests whom they, personally, invite to the Finish Line Party. The loser can´t be expected to spring for those. The nickle and diming continues, however, on how things apply in case of a tie. Cheap skates!
CONTESTANTS PERSONAL SLOGANS –
FLYIN´BRYAN – !Ï´M ALL IN!¨ meaning he´s committing 100%, though he is free to mean that he´s terribly tired…whichever one applies. Hunky promises to remind him of Meaning 1 on all Andean Uphill Stretches.
HUNKY DORY – ¨!GIVE ÉR SHIT!¨ Hunky swears that this is not swearing, which is not allowed in these high-altitudenal Olympics, but that it is, indeed, the toast which all Canadians use, equivalent to the ¨Skol¨and ¨Cheers¨ used in more civilized countries. However, he soon confessed that he, himself, invented this under duress once when he was surrounded by partying Icelanders, or perhaps they were Argentinians, wondering what Canadians say under these glass-clinking circumstances. Flummoxed, he saved the day and won the hearts by shouting the above…..which all of those fine companions now have used for years, establishing that reputation for Canada in bars all across the land.
LEAPIN´LINDA – !YOU GUYS ARE TOAST! ‘ Well, she WAS going to use this slogan but upon comparison with the open-natured team spirit demonstrated by the members of Team Maple, she was shamed and changed her slogan to the much more ladylike cry, truly her motto for many years….which she can prove by the wooden carved plaque on her wall at home….
LEAPIN´ LINDA -¨!GO! !SEE! !DO! !BE!¨ ¨!SEE! !BE! !GO! !DO! ¨!DO! !BE! !GO! !SEE! -!BE! !GO! !DO! !SEE! Usually said very rapidly with arm thrust bravely in the air. Can be uttered individually, especially after a double-bottled planning session.
)For all citizens unacquainted with the Spanish Language…)which includes the three of us)….Spanish writers have a quaint custom of putting an Upside-Down Exclamation Point at the beginning of the sentence, as well as at the end. Unfortunately, this stupid American keyboard is poorly-equipped for this charming touch… ie- both exclamation points are right-side-up! Tsk! We do the best we can and consider ourselves lucky. Said keyboard has absolutely no question marks….. and forget brackets of any sort….as well as many other common and heavily-used proununciation marks. North American Team Sycamore has submitted a strongly-worded protest over prejudicial language used in the above Team Rules.
RACE RULES – TBA ALONG THE ROUTE
Team Maple made some profound comparison with rivers as a proposal for a Rule. Something like ¨Go With The Flow¨but further discussion revealed that this would eliminate all uphill runs for them….it won´t affect Team Sycamore in a bus, however, so we may keep this rule for her. They liked the idea of eliminating hills but The Andes might object and who´s kidding who! Both teams liked the flexibility of the present Rule Structure. ie- to design them as we go, if and when necessary.
MEDIA COVERAGE-PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT CONTACT INFO- COMPLAINTS
TEAM SYCAMORE – [email protected]
Team Maple claims all profits from all television appearances, movie rights, etc.
Team Sycamore has entered a strong complaint. Update – Team Sycamore has now been granted exclusive book and blogging rights but has rewritten the protest to include half the movie rights and all public appearances.