The past few weeks have been busy as I prepare my manuscript, IN SECRET DIFFUSION, for the publisher. This book represents a coming out of a closet – the clairaudient closet – which has been my happy little home for the past thirty years. Granted, I have been opening up to you…my friends on the blog… for almost two years and that has helped me find my voice.
Isn’t it funny? I have an active inner life with a Voice…but, I, who can speak glibly and naturally about many things…have so much trouble confessing this inner self, finding my voice, externally. That is reflected in the whole process of getting this book ready to print, especially today’s duty of writing a preface. I find myself with such a stiff and formal voice, while the entire book (a conversation with The Holy Spirit) is so relaxed and easy-going. I want to match that mood in this necessary explanation but it isn’t flowing yet.
Probably, any Closet-Coming-Out-Of isn’t a whole lot of fun. You were in there for a reason. Most of that reason lies with the expected change of opinion that might register in the hearts of friends, family, and strangers. Something that is important to you; some road you have chosen to go down; some delight that you hide in your heart…is about to become up for grabs in the marketplace. That’s scary.
But, if it’s really nothing to be ashamed about. If it’s simply something that is misunderstood, or lumped into a generic pool with an off-center reputation; especially, if it’s something that Jane Doe doesn’t do and therefore doesn’t approve of, then it’s more comfortable to keep it to yourself. On the other hand, it’s real interesting. It’s a real curiosity, that you would love to be able to explain to others and in the process, examine a little more closely. As it is, everything is hard to see clearly in a dark closet.
So, anyway, I had all of this secret written material building up over these many years, giving me a wistful dream of being able to put it into print – someday. Plus, I had learned how to write and publish books. A delightful way to put a heavy demand upon your time and talents which then allows you to hold the resulting book in your hand, in a form that can be shared with others. Happy day! I started to write my second travel book about my explorations in South America and then I discovered that there really wasn’t enough to say about that. It was a beginning, but not a whole book. Now what?
Hmmmmm! There was my spiral-bound, homemade print job, which I called Questions & Answers, written in 1998 and shared with only about twenty trusted people, so far. It was my Barbara Walters-type of interview session with my constant Upper Voice Companion, The Holy Spirit, in which I had asked all sorts of questions, as if he were a guest on my talk show. I asked about everything…until I ran out of topics. I even started inviting a few friends to suggest new topics, but they only wanted boyfriend advice and that wasn’t my idea of a good cosmic question. Some answers I received from the Holy Spirit were really unexpected and lots of new and surprising information came out of those sessions.
Twelve years went by. Even my family hadn’t read it.
Hmmmmm? Questions and Answers??? I was all dressed up with nowhere to go. I had a publishing contract, but didn’t have a book anymore, with the Southern Hemisphere on hold. Hmmmmmmm? What can I lose?
I could ask more questions – having thought of new ones in the past dozen years.
I could publish anonymously. Under my spiritual name, Linda Layli, Layli Linda. Don’t laugh!
That way, I could still have my hassle-free, solitary life without having to turn into anybody’s guru, my biggest fear. Which I have recently talked myself down from by reminding myself that I sound like the teenager who doesn’t want to date because she’s so afraid everyone will want to marry her. But, her friends are thinking “That’s not going to be a problem…” yet not wanting to say anything to hurt her feelings. Here I am, so vigorously trying to keep the world guru-free. At least, by one less new pop advisor. “Ummmm, that’s not going to be a problem” you might be wanting to say to me right now.
Then, after actually putting together a very decent manuscript (in my opinion), which my very own sister, a hugely competent English teacher, copy edited for me, in a most kind and open-minded manner; and my backup copy editor, of a New Age inclination, became wildly enthusiastic; I figured that this closet emergence might not be so bad, especially if I hid behind my Upper name, which actually is what I am called in that Realm.
Then, came time to face the marketing necessities. Even, admitting to the cataloging nightmare I could cause. Even the separate Amazon.com placements so that all my books couldn’t show up together if I used a different name. Even the ability to sell it on my blogsite because that would blow the secret right there, and anyway, Google already had me linked to this book because of these blogs.
So, now I’m coming clean and publishing with both names on the cover and my real name in the catalogs. This has been a tempest in my own little teapot, but a significant progression, none-the-less. Well I know too, that the last name of Brown is one of the three most common names in America, second only to Smith and Jones. So, I guess I already had that covered.
Now, I must leave off this confused confession and get busy writing that preface in which I will try to lay all this out without sounding really dumb. But, I now know just how all those other Closet-Comer-Outers have felt who decide to reveal a precious, hidden part of themselves to public scrutiny.